Reaching for The Sun
by lado-lunar
Summary: I never thought letting go of Yuu Kanda would be so difficult. But maybe, just maybe, I won't have to. / A tale about Kanda's absence and his return / KandaXOC Oneshot OC


**Disclaimer:** I don't own D. Gray-Man.

Hello there!

I read D. Gray-Man again yesterday for the first time in years and was struck by inspiration.

I used Sae, the character of my old fics once again (including _Butterfly & Hurricanes_, the one I discontinued), maybe someone still remembers her, maybe not, but she's dear to me anyhow.

It felt nice to write once again!

Enjoy!

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Fortunately there were still moments like this. Moments of relative calmness, where I could almost forget the reason why smiling was such a difficult thing to do now.

I could hear elated screams and shrieks of laughter all around me, the slight breeze caressing my face and the warmth of the sun on my skin. Even with my eyes closed, it was a beautiful day.

I opened my eyes and watched a group of children playing soccer on the square for a moment. Their happiness made me feel a slight pang of pain. Watching people playing soccer always made me think of Daisya and how much he loved it. If he was still here he would certainly find a way to go play with those kids for a bit. He always did that when he could.

_Gotta enjoy the little things, right? _He always said with that boyish smile of his. And he was right but as of late I'm afraid that even if I agree I can't seem to find the heart for it. I miss him.

I sigh and take a bite of my sandwich that I don't feel like eating (but I do, because I must), and look at Marie and Lenalee sitting beside me on the bench.

I wonder if every time Marie sees a soccer ball he remembers Daisya like I do. And if he remembers about our other team member and how sad it is that we were once four and are now only two. I swallow thickly. No use thinking about it, and I'm sure he does. Marie hurts just like I do.

I take another look at my two team members. We really are a miserable bunch, all of us more banged up than the other. A sure sign of the changing times, I suppose.

Everything we were doing a year ago feels like child's play. The world is now a much darker place. Yet we must move on. And my heart won't heal.

I've been wondering if it ever will. Every time I think it might, something happens that makes the pain come back just as hard as when it first happened. It won't let me forget and it won't let me move on either.

_You were foolish Sae, so very foolish_.

This thought brings up all the regret I feel and I take a deep shaky breath in hopes of grounding myself once again. There are places to break down, and none of them are here.

_And you don't even have a good enough reason to break down, silly girl_. I tell myself, in hopes of rationalizing this pain. _So what if you loved him? This wasn't about you. It has never been about you. The man you loved was another's long before you ever existed. The Order you work for took it all away from him, in a sickening display of cruelty, and the kind-hearted Allen took it upon himself to give him the chance of saying goodbye to the one he loved, and freedom of the Order that took it all away. He's in a better place now, away from all this, and you should be happy for him._

Oh but it hurts, and part of me is selfish and at the same time wallowing in regret. How is it possible to feel so many things? How long until I finally burst?

I feel embarrassed that I'm still thinking about me and my feelings, but I honestly hope he is happy somewhere beneath this blue sky and this beautiful sun.

I hope he is happy because I can't seem to be.

I never thought letting go of Yuu Kanda would be so difficult.

"Sae?" Lenalee's soft voice breaks me out of my painful thoughts. I look up at her. Her eyes are full of understanding and she has a sad smile on her face. I hate to make her worry about me.

"Is everything okay?" She asks.

I muster up a little smile for her "I'm fine Lenalee, don't worry about me". _Worry about yourself_ I think, because this all ordeal has been hard on her as well, especially the one involving Allen.

Marie effortlessly directs the conversation to the newest information from home. Apparently Johnny tried to resign. Reever didn't let him.

"But really, he was planning to go after Allen, wasn't he?" Marie says with sigh and a sad smile.

I look at Lenalee's expression and think that this wasn't the best thing to say, she's miles away when Marie explains the more official reason why the Order can't let Johnny resign.

I lean back against the bench and resume looking at the kids playing soccer. After a moment I hear Lenalee's soft voice.

"What does it mean to be friends?" I carefully keep my eyes on the soccer ball rolling on the square.

"I wasn't able to say anything at all…" She stops, searching for words to explain herself and tries again "While I said that I believed in Allen, back then when he left us without saying a word, I wasn't able to say anything at all. I realized at the same time that I didn't have enough resolve to help him".

I clench my teeth and close my eyes when I hear Lenalee's voice crack up. "Despite saying things like 'we're friends', did I choose the Order over Allen..?".

It's painful hearing Lenalee's pain, because I'm protective of her and because I can relate all too well. _It's not your fault the world is upside down and the Order we work for is despicable._ I want to tell her, but I don't.

"That isn't a bad thing" Marie's soft tones make me open my eyes and look at them. "After all, here you have Komui and all the bonds you've forged with everyone at the Order through all of these years together." After a pause he continues. "I'm the same way. I have bonds with everyone and that is why I'm here." He smiles at me and I know that he's thinking about Daisya and Kanda, and everyone else that we've lost along the way, but also all the people we still have, including each other.

His next words are to Lenalee "It doesn't mean you've lost your bond with Allen. Bookman and Lavi, or the bonds to Kanda…" He pauses briefly. "The bonds with your many friends with whom you've laughed with and fought alongside, no matter how far away we are from one another, we remain connected".

Lenalee gives him a tearful smile and I know Marie's point got across. He really is an amazing friend and I don't think I could have gotten past the last few months if not for his unshakable friendship and words of wisdom.

"Well, shall we get going? The Head-Quarters' gate is opening soon" Marie says as he rises from the bench.

"Yup!" Lenalee says and I feel glad she's feeling better. I rise up as well and offer to keep the rest of her sandwich on my bag, I'm not the only one with little appetite nowadays.

"That old man will certainly be waiting for us. I heard him sobbing through the receiver" Marie teases lightly. Some things remain the same, Komui and his overly dramatic love for his sister is the same as always.

"Oh no..that's terrible" Lenalee smiles while they start moving on ahead of me since I'm still organizing the items on my bag.

Marie chuckles "Good thing we had a good night's sleep last night…" I mentally thank Marie for cheering her up, while I close my bag and start walking behind them. I haven't been a good friend lately.

_That has to change_. I scold myself.

Distracted by my thoughts I almost bump into Lenalee. I realize she stopped walking suddenly and the look on her face alarms me.

I grab her arm, intending to pull her behind me if there's any trouble "Lenalee, what is it?" I ask sharply while looking around us for any sign of danger.

"Sae?" Marie inquires from ahead but I almost don't hear him.

Because that's when I spot _him_. Coming towards us, walking through the kids playing soccer.

I feel like my breath leaves me, I can't quite comprehend what I'm seeing, I feel my bag falling to the ground but it seems far away.

_He's okay. He's alive. Why is he here?_

"You stupid bastard…Why did you come back?" Marie's voice is so suddenly thick with emotion, something that I'm not used to, that when I take a breath that sounds more like a gasp I suddenly feel everything. "You had finally become free…"

My hand falls away from Lenalee's when she raises her hands to her face.

They are both crying, and when Kanda's dark eyes fall on me and he gives me small smile while teasingly saying "What… no "Welcome Back" for me?" my eyes start watering up as well because he's okay, he's okay and he's here and I am so very glad.

Without thinking I move towards him and throw myself at him, hugging him as tightly as I can. My tears fall freely now. I am so relieved he is okay.

"I missed you" I tell him almost desperately "I missed you so much".

And when he wraps his warm arms around me and hugs me back just as tightly, I know that the feeling is mutual.

I don't know why he came back or if he's here to stay, but I know that despite all the heartache and confusion that my life has been of late, I know without a doubt that I will never be able to let go of him, that I love him too deeply for that.

I also know that I'll be the friend he needs, and if he lets me, I'll show him just how important he is to me.

Zu once told me that Kanda was like a lotus flower, emerging from the mud and always reaching for the sun. I understood what he meant. The Order and their machinations were Kanda's mud, and the sun was his freedom.

I realize now that even if Kanda came back to us, giving up his sun once again, he owes the mud nothing and everything will be by his rules because that's the kind of person he is, and I promise silently to myself that I will help him however I can.

Because I missed him. And I love him. And he is the sun that I'm trying to reach.

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I hope you liked it. Let me know! :)

Thank you for reading,

lado-lunar


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